Comparisons are odious

If there's one thing most of us can congratulate ourselves on it's being really good at comparing ourselves unfavourably with others. It's a fantastic way of dis-empowering ourselves -- particularly since we never do it fairly or accurately. Some years ago I was working with a woman who had just given birth to a much longed-for baby. Tears poured down her face a she told me that she felt such a failure. When I enquired with some astonishment as to where she thought her failure was lying, it emerged that she felt that she ought to be able to be a super-mother and a super, high flying career woman with a three month old baby.
It turned out that she was comparing herself or meauring her failure (depending on how you look at it) with a friend who is happily pursuing her career with tons of energy whilst parenting a son. "What age is her son?" I asked. Twelve she replied. It simply hadn't occurred to her that caring for a small baby might just be a tad more energy-draining than mothering a 12-year-old. The sleep deprivation and hormonal disruption just seemed to slip her mind. This is equivalent to trying to compare a pound of butter with a packet of soap powder and you can just bet that when you feel you don't measure up, you're doing exactly the same thing.

Women have been inflicting this injustice on themselves for years, of course. When you're a fabulous, sexy fifty-year-old do you measure yourself against another woman of your own age? Perish the thought. You compare yourself to some air-brushed model who's 19 years old and size 8. Not of course that you should be comparing yourself with anybody. You're a unique human being, so there can be no comparison.

Men do it too, and both sexes create immense amounts of unnecessary misery for themselves by measuring their success in terms of comparing jobs, cars, houses, holidays and all the other external, material things we use to affirm that we're here, we're happy and we're winning. Eh, winning what exactly? The battle of superiority, perhaps? Well if that's your arena of combat you might as well lay down your weapons right now. That particular battle has no winners.

How you look, what you own and what you've achieved are effects not causes. Each and every one needs to be a by-product of your focus, your passion and your capacity to allow yourself to have and be what you truly want. If you enjoy working 12 hours a day, by all means do it. You'll emerge bright of eye and bushy of tail. If you're doing it because you think it's your only means of gaining the trophies of success, you may get them that way too -- along with stress related illnesses, bags under your eyes and your very own demon dancing on your shoulder.

The Rhythm of Life

Actually, the rhythm of life doesn't always 'put a tingle in your fingers and a tingle in your feet'. Sometimes it puts lead weights in your boots and brings you to a complete halt. We seem to have great difficulty recognizing these times as the good thing they actually are which is, perhaps why we fail to look for the upside in the down periods. We're all conditioned into thinking that standing still, or being made to stand still by illness or delays or whatever, are things sent to try us -- things we should fight against. Well there's fighting and there's fighting and I never put on my boxing gloves until I'm sure that my opponent is really an enemy. If someone or something is blocking you from achieving your heart's desire right now, just stop for a moment to make sure that what you're striving for is really what you want, because if you seem to be getting nowhere fast it may be a universal signal that you're heading in the wrong direction.

"But this is what I've wanted all my life", I hear you cry. Is it? Are you sure you haven't been worshipping the three extremely small gods Must, Should and Ought. These guys are the ultimate in subversive spiritual and psychological terrorism. They feed greedily off low self-esteem, learned behaviour, the fear of what other people think and self-criticism. When you think about your goals and the actions you might take to achieve them, do you preface those thoughts with 'I must do such and such' or 'I ought' or 'I should'? If you do, five will get you ten those desires aren't authentic to you. Try substituting the word 'want'. 'I want to do this, be that, earn x amount.' You'll find that if these are NOT the things you really want, you'll feel it deep down in your gut. Have the courage to let go of those false desires and make space for the things you really want. Then you'll be back in rhythm. Then you'll be able to align yourself with the success you desire and deserve.

There's a worryingly strong emphasis these days on goal-setting and staying focused. Of course these are important ingredients in anyone's recipe for success, but they're part of the road map. They're not the journey itself and if you're not careful the very tools for helping you achieve your dreams can become very limiting, self-punishing weapons of life destruction. There you are zooming through your life like Road Runner and suddenly that old coyote drops a boulder on your head. So you've been brought to a standstill for a minute. You have no choice but to lie there rubbing your boulder-bashed head and that in itself is giving you the gift of time. Whilst your down there, pay attention to your surroundings. Examine that boulder carefully. You might just find it's made of gold

Will the real Alan Titchmarsh please stand up

I seem to have the habit of being premature, acquired presumably when I arrived into this lifetime two months early. My latest manifestation of this prematurity is that I am currently recovering from what can only be described as an early dose of 'flu. The recovery process seems to involve a great deal of lying on my sofa watching daytime TV. This is probably setting my recovery back by days if not weeks, but what the hell. It's an experience. Yesterday I caught an afternoon talk show hosted by the twinkly Alan Titchmarsh whose day job, as it were, is normally gardening. He didn't look comfortable sat sitting on that sofa. Wellies or a trowel, perhaps might have helped.

According to Alan, iPods, Apple Macs and Aston Martins are among the top ten cool things to own right now. This top ten has been compiled by fashionistas and people who live in Chelsea, apparently. Now these doyens of coolness are also likely to be among the many people who talk about the importance of being authentic. Authenticity being a very cool buzzword for those who are keen on personal development. Not, you understand that being a fashionista or living in Chelsea are prerequisites for an interest in personal development. I live in Westport in Ireland and make my living from moving people swifty along in the personal development stakes. I talk about authenticity a lot. But here's the challenge: define authenticity.

Of course if we take the limited edition print, No 241, complete with Certificate of Authenticity you've just bought, no problemo. We're talking here about its provenance, proof that it is what it says it is. Simple. Personal authenticity is a different ball game. That's open to individual interpretation. Ooooh. Dangerous stuff that.

Most people seem to think that being authentic means being honest, having no pretentions, calling a spade a shovel. That isn't my interpretation. My definition of personal authenticity is: being honest with yourself about who you really are and what you truly feel and being completely comfortable with that. Now this can mean facing up to the fact that for example, you've been trying to fit in with a group of people with whom you have absolutely nothing in common – and that can include members of your own family. The funny thing is that once you admit that to yourself, once you stop trying to fit your square peg into whatever round hole surrounds you, you'll actually start to relate better to those people and they'll start accepting you because you accept yourself. You may never bond completely with them, but you'll stop feeling alone in their company.

Dear old Alan Titchmarsh might be another good example. When he's presenting a gardening programme or padding round historic sites in Britain, he certainly seems to be his authentic self. On yesterday's programme his interest in his guests looked absolutely genuine. He's a good interviewer, intelligent and very charming, so what's the problem? Why did I find myself feeling uncomfortable as I watched? I believe it's because I was picking up on something he's uncomfortable with. Maybe he feels like a square peg in a round hole, who knows? The point is that when we allow ourselves to be authentic we're comfortable and other people are comfortable with us. We step into our power and our lives flow.